I was born in 1995, which isn’t too relevant until you realize it was 29 years ago and I am on the brink of turning 30.
As friends and relatives approached the “big 3-0” before me, I picked up on an undercurrent of anxiety. Why was everyone afraid of turning 30? Am I afraid of turning 30? Should I be?
Most of the time, I don’t think about the fact that I am aging. Now, I am starting to notice changes in my body that I associate with getting older. A few weeks ago, I found my second gray hair; being in bed by 9:30 is my ideal night; and my signature, winged eyeliner now takes more precision to combat the wrinkles around the outer corners of my eyes.
On most days, these observations are neutral facts of life, but as my milestone birthday becomes more salient, I am having what the field of gerontology calls aging anxiety—negative feelings and fears associated with growing older. When aging anxiety is high, it has been associated in older adults with loneliness and depression, and in middle-aged and young adults with ageist attitudes.
Curious about my own feelings, I informally polled a group of my peers. While earning my doctorate in psychology, I was trained as a researcher, and that’s not something I am able to turn off. My friends are probably sick of it, but they humor me. Here are some of their responses to the question, how do you feel about turning 30?
- Nervous and feeling a little old
- Confident in my own skin and a bit wiser
- I feel settled and unsettled, all at the same time
- Pressured
- Excited
- Surreal
- I think it’ll be my favorite decade
- Uneasy
- I’m ready for 30 but also scared
A few of my friends talked more at length about developmental milestones, like finding a life partner, starting a new career, and having children. One friend shared that as a woman, she is aware of her biological clock (the natural decline in fertility that occurs as people age) and that turning 30 is highlighting her fear that she will have trouble getting pregnant. Others talked about the pressure to have achieved something they expected to have done by this point in life, such as meeting a committed romantic partner or feeling settled in their career. Some of this pressure came from external sources, like their family or peers. Admittedly, though, some of it came from within, as they reflected on their long-term goals or compared themselves to others on social media.
What surprised me in my friends’ responses was their mixed emotions. Perhaps excitement, readiness and confidence help balance some of the aging anxiety.
But maybe there is some benefit to feeling anxious about aging at this point in life. Maybe it will fuel reflection about what is most important to us and how we want to move forward. Maybe getting over the hump of 30 will highlight how these worried thoughts are really just thoughts, and being 30 years and 1 day old will be just another day.
Through my poll, I learned that there are a lot of different ways to feel about growing older across the lifespan. What’s most important is that we honor these feelings, rather than judge them; that we are kind to ourselves as our lives, bodies and spirits change with each passing day, and kind to others who are further along on the aging journey.
Anastasia Canell has a PhD in clinical geropsychology, a specialty that focuses on understanding and helping older people and their families. As a postdoctoral fellow, she works in hospitals, skilled nursing facilities and elsewhere, providing psychotherapy for individuals and groups. She also does research and has written and spoken extensively about issues associated with aging, such as the way becoming an older person’s caregiver impacts young adults (18 to 25).
